Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
