I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
