Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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