for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
