sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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