the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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