I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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