the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
