I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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