So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I could fuck to npr.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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