1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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