I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
