So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
