i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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