I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
