Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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