I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I want a musical about memes.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
