Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
