I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
