Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
