So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I look better un-naked...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
