3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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