This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
