You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
