I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
