Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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