I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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