im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
