you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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