Sponge bath it is.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
