nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
