There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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