why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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