Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
