i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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