yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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