Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you win again, gameday.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
