She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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