we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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