i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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