Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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