I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
