I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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