i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
