I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
