I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
