Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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