I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
How's work?
Spinning.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
