dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
