Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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