everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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